Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
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I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
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I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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