I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize