they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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