Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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