Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
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The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize