I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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