when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
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You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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