All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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