So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
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You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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