Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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