before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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