Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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