My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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