I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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