Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
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just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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