Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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