She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
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Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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