First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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