Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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