Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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