I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize