why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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