That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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