I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
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he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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