You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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