my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
