She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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