when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Drunk is a universal language darling
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