your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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