I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize