Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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