My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
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This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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