He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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