Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
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I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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