I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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