i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
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Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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