my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
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He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
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I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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