I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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