i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
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i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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