I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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