my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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