So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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