Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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