Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize