Swine flu. Run for my life!
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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