I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize