just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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