woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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