He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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