My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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