thus making me awesome and them whores
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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